I Spy.....

Yesterday I heard an advertisement on the radio (Heart, not my choice!) not so unusual you may say, after all we are constantly bombarded by ads, in all forms of media, these days, but this one was just a little surreal. It was from MI5, yes that MI5, attempting to recruit what they describe as “Mobile Surveillance Officers”. That would be spies to you and me!

Thames House - MI5 HQ

I must admit that I thought I’d dozed off and awoken in some kind of alternative universe, after all , we all know that recruitment is very hush hush. Usually carried out through the old boy network and almost exclusively aimed at graduates of certain OxBridge Colleges.

This clearly needed further investigation. After some extensive research (I Googled MI5!) I found their, quite comprehensive, web site, and sure enough they have a recruitment section giving details of their requirements for a variety of jobs within the service.

Thames House

 All very well but I think a little caution wouldn‘t go amiss. This shadowy world thrives on misdirection, slight of hand, smoke and mirrors etc. So it would be wise not to accept anything at face value. There is great deal about extended working hours, multitasking, thinking on your feet and the need not to have facial tattoos (they make you too noticeable, apparently|), but nothing about getting shot at, being stabbed with trick umbrellas or fighting off exotic Mata Hari clones There seems to be so much they’re not telling us! 

Should MI5 not be your cup of tea,(or vodka martini) there are links to the sites of MI6 and GCHQ, so surely there is something in there for everyone.

MI6 HQ

 For those interested in becoming a spy, or even if you are just interested in what they are prepared to tell us about the service and its history why not visit the MI5 website.

I would imagine that the rejection rate among applicants is pretty high, but you never know, a new, fascinating, though potentially short, future may be there for the taking.

24 Hour Tube

London Underground are apparently considering running the tube around the clock for the duration of the Olympics in order to cope with the expected influx of visitors. How is this going to help? How will we persuade these visitors to sensibly stagger their travel plans to make use of all of these extra hours?

We could, I suppose, hold all of the events late at night and time them so that they finish between 1.00 am and 6.00am in the morning, thereby forcing these visitors to travel at the dead of night, when the trains are completely empty.

Or better still, we could simply lock them into the venue, feeding them out into the underground at a steady and regulated rate. Thereby ensuring that the tube doesn’t rattle through the night like the world's least popular and least demanding ghost train.

Or, we could just put up our hands and a say sorry, we’ve made a mistake, we don’t really want the games at all. This last option, although the most sensible, is also the least likely!

In reality, the Games should have gone to Paris in the first place. I’m sure that the average Parisian would have loved the disruption, the crowds, the closed roads and the overloaded transport systems. The added bonus for Londoners would be that they would be paying for all of this for the rest of their lives instead of us!

Of course, some people actually like the Olympics. I'm not one of those people (surprise!) but for the record I would like to wish our athletes every success, we all hope that they will rise to the occasion and that they will be rewarded with fistfulls of medals, especially those nice golden ones, but personally I also expect outstanding results from those responsible for managing the finances and the logistics of the whole affair.

If it ever came down to betting on our gold medal successes versus a financial and logistical triumph, I think that my money would be firmly on the athletes!

Another Royal Wedding...........Continued

　
I see that the Royal Wedding fandango has changed up a gear with the announcement that Harry will be Best Man, the Brides sister will be the Maid of Honour and certain children (I missed who they were) will be Bridesmaids and Page Boys…………..but I still find it impossible to conjure up any enthusiasm for the event.

However……….a Big Fat Royal Wedding…………..now, that would grab my attention.

To see Wills turning up at the Abbey in a Ford Transit, wearing a vest, before changing into a white (with contrasting satin braiding, of course) tux in the back of the van………….and then the Bride clambering out of a shocking pink stretch Hummer before stumbling and staggering up the aisle in a vast, over inflated, internally illuminated meringue of a dress, accompanied by a horde of Bridesmaids dressed as Disney princesses on steroids and Page Boys dressed as Elvis……………….that’s what I call entertainment! I’d pay good money to see that.

The viewing figures would go through the roof and the popularity of the Royal Family would reach unheard of heights but I’m not holding my breath. In reality things will follow the old familiar and very safe, path and I can’t help but think that they’re missing a trick there!

Chinese New Year 2011

Despite my initial disappointment at finding out that, according to Chinese philosophy, I am a Rabbit, my year has now come around and I am determined to make the most of it. The western year of 2011 has had a very bad start for my family and myself, so perhaps embracing the East will bring better luck. 

According to the Chinese Culture Center of San Francisco, people born in the Year of the Rabbit are articulate, talented, and ambitious. They are virtuous, reserved, and have excellent taste. Rabbit people are admired, trusted, and are often financially lucky. They are fond of gossip but are tactful and generally kind. Rabbit people seldom lose their temper. They are clever at business and being conscientious, never back out of a contract. They would make good gamblers for they have the uncanny gift of choosing the right thing. However, they seldom gamble, as they are conservative and wise. They are most compatible with those born in the years of the Sheep, Pig, and Dog...............I'm not at all sure that I go along with all of that, but am happy to cherry pick the best parts for my own internal CV!

To be really honest, I’m not a believer in these things, eastern or western, but it does no harm to keep an open mind. Just in case!

Although Chinese New Year falls on the 3^rd February this year, the celebrations in London will take place on Sunday the 6^th. The main event happens in Trafalgar Square but check out Chinatown in the area around Gerrard St, for a more intimate experience.

It just remains to say Kung Hey Fat Choi to all and especially to my fellow Rabbits. Lettuce and carrot juice all round…………No one can say that Rabbits don’t know how to party!

Jerry Sadowitz,

Last night I went to see Jerry Sadowitz at the Leicester Square Theatre. What an exhausting evening. It was one and a half hours of relentless tirades against everyone and everything. The ratio of swear words to, so called, decent language was heavily in favour of the swearing. In fact, decent language was in very short supply. How he keeps up the constant stream of verbal (and, occasionally, physical) abuse is beyond all understanding.

It should be pointed out that he is an equal opportunities abuser. No one escaped his attention and no subject was taboo. Everyone was treated with the same level of disrespect.

A tough act to watch and not for those of a fragile temperament but very, very, funny!

The Fourth Plinth

So, we now know what the next two occupants of the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square will be. The 2012 winner is a child on a rocking horse, titled "Powerless Structures" by Michael Elmgreen and Ingar Dragset. The 2013 winner is a giant blue cockerel by Katharina Fritsch titled "Hahn/Cock". Neither of these would have been my choice. I favoured either "It's Never Too Late And You Can't Go Back" by Mariele Neudecker or the ludicrously outrageous "Battenberg" by Brian Griffiths, a huge, brick , copy of the pink and yellow cake of the same name.

Although the fourth plinth was never used for its original purpose, it has, in recent years, been used to display a variety of artworks with varying degrees of success. Of these, perhaps the most widely reported was “One and Other”, devised by Antony Gormley. Over the course of 100 days, 2400 members of the public each spent 1 hour isolated on the plinth. The hour was theirs to do, pretty much, whatever they liked. Some used it to protest or to draw attention to a cause. Some to talk about their favourite subjects. Others behaved outrageously and some did nothing at all. An interesting idea but was it art? Also, and perhaps this was just my bad luck, I always seemed to see the ones who either did nothing at all or were so badly prepared that they may just as well have been doing nothing at all!

To my mind, the most successful occupant of the plinth was "Alison Lapper Pregnant" by Marc Quinn. A challenging and powerful figure that I grew to like very much.

Going back to the residents for 2012 and 2013. Aside from a certain amount of comedy value, a rocking horse and a big blue cock do nothing for me, but I can’t help thinking that had the artists had got together and found a way to combine the two, that they just might have been on to a winner!

Joyce Edwards 22nd Oct 1921 - 3rd January 2011